Bullying has become a much talked about issue in recent years, and the vast majority of schools now have anti-bullying policies. However schools cannot be successful in their preventative work if they do not get support from home.
It is important that parents also adopt a zero tolerance towards aggressive behaviour by their children, and that they set a good role model for conflict resolution.
Different forms of bullying
Verbal bullying: name-calling, put-downs, spreading rumours, etc.
Physical bullying: includes threats of physical punishments, pushing, kicking, and damage to property, eg, defaced books, torn clothes.
Cyber bullying: use of the internet, email, and mobile phones for abusive behaviour.
Gesture bullying: threatening gestures and glances.
Exclusion: cutting someone out of a group by isolating and ignoring him/her.
Extortion: extorting money, sweets, or other things from the victim, or forcing the victim to act out of character, eg, engaging in shoplifting or graffiti.
What to do if your child is the bully
If you are faced with a situation where your child is the bully you need to react seriously. While you will be very disappointed and upset, reacting with anger and physical punishments will not improve the situation.
You need to try to figure out why your child is acting in this way. If you are feeling lost as to how to deal with problem behaviours it might be a good idea to talk with your child’s teacher. You may feel very vulnerable and to blame for your child's behaviour, but if you can have an honest discussion with the schoolteacher or principal he or she may be able to help you find ways of helping your child. Perhaps you might need more professional help for you and your child?
A word about bullies
It must be remembered that children who engage in bullying behaviour are often in need of just as much help as their victim. Many people would blame the parents of the bully for their behaviour, but it is not always so.
Sometimes children engage in bullying behaviour for reasons outside the control of their parents, so it is always important for the bullying child to be assessed in order to establish why he or she is bullying.
Signs that your child is being bullied:
Changes in your child's mood or behaviour.
Appearance of cuts and bruises or damaged belongings with little or no explanation.
Your child may show visible signs of distress but refuse to say what is wrong.
Losing interest in and enthusiasm for school, eg, drop in the standard of school work, refusal to go to school, etc.
Requests for extra money at school.
Problems with sleep or bedwetting.
Complaints of headache or stomach ache.
These signs do not necessarily mean that your child is being bullied. However if they occur repeatedly they should be investigated, as they suggest something is upsetting your child.
What to do if your child is the victim
If you suspect your child is being bullied, try to take a calm approach to the situation. If your child is stonewalling you and claiming that nothing is happening when you believe it is, take some time to think about what your child may be scared of. Try to reassure him about what would happen if he tells you — he would not be blamed, you would be discrete in your approach to the school, etc.
You then need to contact the school to discuss the situation with your child's teacher and principal. Be discreet — maybe a phone call and a meeting outside school hours could be arranged. After making a complaint to the school you will need to be patient as it may take the school some time to investigate the situation. Your school should have a clear policy on bullying and take all complaints seriously. If bullying is taking place it is largely the responsibility of the teaching staff to monitor and control it. Once teachers are notified of incidents they should be able to stop it.
You may decide to remove your child from the school and transfer him to a new school — in some cases this will work, especially if you feel that the old school did not take bullying seriously and did not act to protect your child. However it is not always the best approach, especially if the school is actively dealing with the situation, as you have no guarantee that your child will not be bullied in his new school.
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