Sex education
Providing your child with sex education is much broader than just explaining the mechanics of sexual intercourse.
It involves discussions about men and women, concepts of privacy, respect, being comfortable with one’s own body, and making decisions about sexual behaviour.
If you already have an open and honest relationship with your child, he will be comfortable discussing these topics with you. Nurturing such a relationship starts in your child’s preschool years. Sex education also starts in these early years, and if you can get the groundwork right your children will be open to discussing these topics with you as teens.
Preschoolers
Teach basic information first. Preschoolers need to learn the names of their body parts. Most would advise that you use the proper names for your child’s genitals.
Be honest with your child. Start early by answering your preschooler’s questions truthfully, but remember he is not looking for long complicated answers; short clear answers will work just as well.
Don’t panic when your child asks his first question about sexual matters. He does not see this question as being any different from his many other questions. If he sees that you are upset or uncomfortable he may think he has asked something wrong and be discouraged from asking again.
While your first reaction may be to try to discourage sex-related questions, you should in fact be encouraging your child to ask you these things. After all you want him to hear the correct information and be aware of the value system you hold.
From a very early age you need to introduce the concept that your child has the right to say no to any touches, etc, he does not like.
Watch out for naturally occurring moments to point out facts or start discussions.
Middle childhood
Children naturally go through a stage when they will snigger and laugh at anything to do with sex or the body. Don’t get too upset during this phase as it does pass; however you should be firm about not accepting rude or disrespectful behaviour.
In all of your talks about sex, remember to emphasise that it occurs within a relationship, etc.
This is a job for both parents. Children need to hear from both their parents on these topics.
Don’t rely on others to educate your child on sexual matters. While schools do have excellent sex education programmes, children also want to hear from their parents.
If you don’t let your child know what your family values are in relation to personal relationships, you cannot expect him to adopt them.
Prepare your child for puberty - explain about the physical and emotional changes he will experience. Being informed and prepared may take some fear out of it for him and also allow him to ask you questions. Girls will need information about menstruation and boys will need information on wet dreams and erections.
Teen years
As your child becomes older and particularly during his teen years, you will need to explain the dangers of unprotected sex, oral sex, etc.
Avoid presenting a negative image of sex, eg, constantly saying, “don’t do it”, “be careful”, etc. If you are constantly trying to get these messages across your teen will stop listening.
Do emphasise that sex happens in the context of a relationship and explain that there is a progression of sexual activity, letting your teen know that he can stop this progression at any stage.
Teens overestimate the percentage of their peers who are sexually experienced. And adults overestimate it even more!
Make sure your teen is clear on consent and how to say no, and just as importantly, how to recognise when his partner is not consenting.
Some research suggests that boys do not receive as much information on sexual matters as girls do from their parents. It may be easier to talk with your daughters, but your sons need to hear from you too.
Use books and materials developed to teach sex education as a basis for discussion.
Respect is an important lesson — respect for self and others. The most powerful way of teaching this is to model this behaviour in your everyday life.
Despite what some may think, sex education, and other programmes that tell teenagers how to avoid pregnancy and AIDS, do not encourage them to experiment and in some cases discourage it.
For more information visit www.RollerCoaster.ie — Ireland’s No 1 website for parents.
