Do you get angry easily and tend to overreact to small things such as someone leaving the cap off the toothpaste, delays in the supermarket queue or minor traffic congestion?
If so, you may be more hotheaded than others and have a low tolerance for frustration or inconvenience.
Or it may be a sign of repressed or unexpressed anger. “Over the top” anger, such as someone exploding over something small, may be old anger coming out, explains local psychologist Coilin O Braonin.
If you think you fall into this category, ask yourself is your anger appropriate to what is happening, he advises. “That is the best measure of knowing if you are too angry. If you tend to explode over small things - lose your temper at the cashier in the supermarket, for instance - then your anger may be out of proportion.
“Ask yourself the question, ‘What is really going on here?’ Is it to do with the cashier in the supermarket or is there something else going on? Stop and look at yourself and question yourself. Old anger or repressed anger may explain your outburst. While some of your anger may relate to your current situation it may also relate to unresolved anger. This repressed anger [relating to issues you have not dealt with] may piggy-back onto what is happening now.”
Repressed anger
Repressed anger may relate to your childhood, for example, according to the psychologist.
“You may have had critical or violent parents/teachers and not have had the power to express your anger. You tended to swallow it. This can set up a kind of personality profile whereby you don’t express anger. As a child you had to keep your mouth shut.”
Coilin says repressing anger for a long time can bring on depression. “There is a strong link between anger and depression, depression is often anger turned inwards. A lot of depression - 80 per cent - is caused by anger. This quiet, hidden anger can be expressed, for example, by people when they are drunk. They hit out, alcohol lowers inhibitions.”
Some people vent their repressed anger by getting back at people indirectly whom they do not like or have issues with rather than confronting them.
Why are some people angrier than others? It may be genetic. Some are born with a tendency to be more easily irritated or aroused than others, he says. Research indicates that some children, even babies as young as four months, may be more easily irritated or upset than other babies. However, the former group tend to be calmer when older, he says. The environment you grow up in is influential, also. “A nurturing healthy environment will iron out glitches.”
Normal emotion
He describes anger as a completely normal emotion that arises in response to a perceived threat or danger.
“People tend to express anger by shouting, body language, tensing of muscles, sometimes violence. Other people will not express anger.”
People tend to get angry if they feel threatened, explains Coilin. “Anger tends to be based on fear. If you are threatened your first response is fear. Anything that causes you to feel threatened - your reputation, a relationship - fear will kick in first. But fear tends to be a helpless emotion while anger is a protective emotion. Anger allows us to protect ourselves and fight our corner. It is generally a very healthy emotion.”
Some people cling to their anger. “There are people who are angry with society and the government. They are nursing resentment for years and are reluctant to let it go. They identify with it. They are anti Fianna Fail and the social welfare department. They are convinced they are being screwed all their life.”
How and when should you express anger? Coilin says ideally it is best to express anger on the spot when a situation which annoys you occurs.
“Direct communication with the other person is a good idea. Express anger appropriately there and then, don’t let it fester. (This advice does not apply to women in a domestic violence situation as it can be too dangerous. )
“Usually, the best way is to focus on how you feel. Say ‘When you do such and such a thing I feel....’ Don’t blame or focus on the other person because that makes them defensive. Confine it to yourself even if the other person is the wrongdoer. Focus on you without antagonising the other person. If there is a row it doesn’t have to have a happy ending. Take the energy out of the resentment and walk away.
“Oftentimes people are angry because they are in an unhappy relationship. They are stuck in a rut and get more and more angry. It is important to deal with this problem. But don’t do it when you are both drunk or very tired. Pick your moment.”
Nursing old hurts
If you are carrying around old hurts and anger from the past and want to part company with them consider keeping a journal.
“Put your anger on paper. Write it out. Or you could punch a punchbag and get it out of your system physically. This approach does not suit everyone and is not recommended for children because they could associate anger with hitting out. Shouting is another way [to discharge anger]. Drive your car up the Tuam Road onto a hard shoulder and shout.”
If you are weighed down with anger he suggests getting counselling. “If there is an ongoing anger problem go for counselling and deal with the underlying issues. Anger puts lots of wear and tear on the body - it wears out the body, blood pressure is pumped up, adrenalin is increased, it’s a very gradual wear and tear effect. Muscles are tensed up, sleep is not as restful. It is bad for our health to be angry a lot of the time.”
Watching their parents express anger in a healthy way will teach children how to deal with conflict situations, he says.
“The best way children will learn is through modelling, to see adults express anger in a healthy way. In disputes, you negotiate. You acknowledge the feelings, state the problem clearly and get them to negotiate. If two children are fighting over a toy truck say ‘Johnny can have a go for five minutes and then Coilin has a go for five minutes.’ Step in and negotiate in an educational way. Teach them to recognise a problem, generate a solution and acknowledge feelings.”
