"Why did Mammy die?" or "Can Granny still see us?". These may be some of the questions that children ask after a loved one has passed away.
Sometimes, they ask the same thing over and over again or may ask questions that parents struggle to answer. One of the best ways to support a grieving child is to listen to their questions and worries and give them honest information.
If you do not have all the answers, tell them so, advised Dr Róisín Finnegan, a clinical psychologist with Cancer Care West. She was speaking recently at an information event entitled "Helping your child or teenager cope with grief" which was organised by the local cancer charity.
"It's OK not to have all of the answers," she said. "Children just want honesty and it's OK to say you don't know for sure. You could say: 'What do you think happens?' 'Can we come back to that question?' or 'I don't know, I was wondering the same thing myself.' It is important to say you don't know, if you don't. Children will trust that. It will build trust more than break it."
She recommended encouraging children who have experienced the loss of a loved one to talk about it. "Grief is a universal experience but unfortunately, some young people experience it much earlier than others do in their life. It is really important to talk about it because that normalises it.
"Encourage questions about grief. That is really important. Questions on dying, in particular, can be very tricky for adults to navigate. The natural instinct for parents is to protect their children. It can be helpful to plan ahead and anticipate what questions your child may have, then you can decide how you would like to respond that is appropriate for their age."
It is common for children to ask questions in the middle of an everyday conversation, she said. "You might be doing something, such as getting the dinner, and that [an unexpected question] can be overwhelming for parents. It is OK to pause and take a few deep breaths before answering. Try not to dismiss the question, you want to give the message that they are allowed to ask them.
"If you are not sure what your child's question means, be curious, and turn the question back to them, for example: 'What do you think will happen?' It is OK to tell your child you don't know the answer and buy yourself a bit of time because you want to be able to give an answer that is thought out. For example: 'That's a really good question. I'd like to be able to talk to you about this. We'll find a time later, maybe after dinner.' Be prepared for more questions when your child has taken in the answers you have given them."
Parents often find it challenging to speak about their loss. "They say it is painful, that they are afraid they will get upset. If it is upsetting for you, maybe tell your child why, that it's not the fact that they brought it up that's upsetting but you are upset about what's happening in the family and it's OK to talk about it."
Normal Reaction
Remember, it is all right for you to express your feelings, too, said the clinical psychologist. "It's OK for you to express emotion to help them understand it is a normal reaction. You are actually modelling for your child that if you're upset, it's OK to cry. You are giving the message that it is not bringing it [the death] up that's upsetting, but it's the fact that it has happened."
Adolescents may not be inclined to speak about their loss or to ask questions about the deceased person's passing. "Maybe they do not have friends who have gone through a loss so to encourage questions, particularly with adolescents who may not be as forthcoming with questions, say to them: 'It's OK to have questions and I'll try to answer them.'"
What is the best way to facilitate these conversations? Dr Finnegan suggested finding a quiet, comfortable space, such as your sitting room, where you will not be disturbed.
Timing is very important. "Children and teenagers will ask questions at any time of the day. If you don't have the time right now - you may be busy doing things or you may be rushing out the door to work or school - say it, rather than rushing or not being fully present.
"Try to plan a time that you can talk together. You could say something like: 'I am so glad you asked and really want to give you my full attention. Could we talk when we get home or are out for a walk?' Make a plan with them about when to talk about it and follow through with that plan.
"Encourage them to ask questions early in the day so they will have time to process the information. Try not to have conversations too close to bedtime but, for lots of children, it might be close to bedtime when those questions are brought up. That's OK, you can answer those questions at that time, too. You could say a similar thing [to what she said earlier] such as: 'That's a really good question'. If you think it's the type of question that could do with more time, give them a hug and reassure them. Say you are really glad they asked that question and that you will have a chat about it tomorrow."
She said these conversations, especially with teenagers, happen more naturally when you are doing some activity together, travelling in the car, or going for a walk with them. There is not the intensity of eye contact then which can make it easier for young people to open up.
The clinical psychologist at Cancer Care West said if your child has not brought up the issue of a loved one's death or is not talking much the person's passing, you can initiate the conversation. "You could say something like: 'I was remembering..... and I was wondering what that was like for you' or 'I noticed you were quiet/mad and I was trying to imagine/understand how/what you were feeling/thinking'. It is OK to revisit an earlier conversation, too."
Different life transitions can bring new waves of grief, she said. These may include moving from primary to secondary school, puberty, adulthood, or other losses in the child's life such as the loss of a friendship or the death of someone else who was close to the child.
She offered the following general advice:-
Helpful Tips
• Everyone grieves differently and children grieve differently to adults
• Be honest, build on small pieces of information that are age appropriate. Use appropriate language, for example, death and dying
• Be prepared for ongoing conversations, children need time to process information
• Try to maintain routine and predictability in day-to-day life as much as possible
• If things have to change, include them in decisions as much as possible, explain, and reassure them
• Reassure them of who is there to support/mind them
• Support them in actively remembering their loved one
• Be patient with both yourself and them
• Look after your own grief
Grief is.....
Messy. It can feel unpredictable, irrational, and can hit you at unexpected moments.
It is not linear or tidy. It is not a checklist of tasks that can be done in any logical order so it can feel very mentally confusing. Thoughts can appear and refuse to disappear. Images or memories can appear out of nowhere and worries can feel large very quickly.
Not about forgetting the person and moving on. We often keep the person in our mind throughout our whole day.
Physical. We may experience some physical symptoms such as aches and pains, headaches, exhaustion, tension, and breathlessness. You may notice your sleep pattern and appetite has changed, also. It is important to listen to your body, especially when it is telling you that it is tired, and take a break.
Not one emotion at a time. We can feel several emotions all at once. It is important to know that we can feel very, very sad and miss someone and at the same time, we might laugh and might have an enjoyable moment.
