In March 2021 I was at one of my lowest ebbs. I really didn’t feel like I had anything to look forward to. I wasn’t in crisis or anything but I was utterly disinterested in the future. It might alarm people to hear that and some might ask “Why didn’t you say something?”
In all honesty, I cared so little and had so little enthusiasm that I didn’t want help. So I didn’t ask.
Around then, and in a burst of creativity and enthusiasm that was at odds with how I was feeling generally, I started doing a comedy podcast. Suddenly, I was spending 16-18 hours a day recording voices and editing fake adverts and splicing the whole thing together. I was in my element.
For about 3 weeks I thought “This is it! A purpose!”
But then, the enthusiasm and verve deserted me abruptly one day and I felt devastated. Nothing specific happened to change how I felt. I just sat down one day to record stuff and I was lost. I was suddenly disinterested to the point of disgust.
I barely knew what to do when I opened up the apps on the computer. I couldn’t finish it. I walked away. All my life I had done this exact same thing. I started jobs or tasks with zeal and enthusiasm only for one day to develop such disinterest as to be repulsed by what I was doing.
My brain would just say “What are you doing? This is rubbish. Let’s do something else.” And I would be utterly unable to engage in the task or job at hand.
In every job I was told by employers in the early days “You’re great, you’ve got amazing potential here” only to be told a while later “Where’s the guy who started here? You’re regressing. You’re making careless mistakes. What’s happened to you?”
The same in school and college. In every course I would start with As and Bs and slowly things would slip and eventually I was getting Cs and Ds and I would just scrape through by the end.
Computer student...Arts student...Film student...archaeologist...chef....freelance writer...chef (again! )...business analyst...product owner....I tried everything for a couple of years and suddenly my brain would just quit.
Massive drive
I started each role with massive drive and would work all hours but then just burn out and drop everything and walk away. I used to think I was just a useless gobshite who couldn’t hold down a job. I never possessed a real ambition.
Except perhaps comedy.
Comedy was a constant throughout my life. So, when the comedy podcast turned out just like every other unfinished task, it almost broke me. What am I meant to do if I can’t even enjoy comedy or finish comedy projects?
This is when things were at their absolute worst because I couldn’t see any hope for the future. I felt really, really low and spent an entire weekend in bed staring at the wall. Literally just that. I didn’t eat and barely slept. Poor Mam thought I was having a mental breakdown. I was certainly close to one.
Then, I decided one day to go for a walk up to my dad’s grave near our house. He had died a few months previously and I was missing him in particular right then. I’m a fairly devout agnostic so I’m not a believer in afterlifes etc etc but I was so down that I actually found myself standing at his grave saying “Dad, if there is anything you can do here, please help me. I need it.”
As I walked away I started to have a conversation with myself.
I said “Bob, you’ve had people in your life before who you tried to help but who didn’t want to help themselves. You had to walk away from those people. So, even if Dad could do something for you now, he can’t really help you if you don’t try to help yourself.”
It was the best conversation I ever had with myself in a graveyard (not sure how many there have been! )
So, on the spot, I made three decisions. Firstly, I would get a dog so that I could focus some attention and love on another sentient being and see something in return. That’s Ringo.
Secondly, I would see a counsellor, once I had screened them to make sure they weren’t going to inundate me with inspirational quotes and “Live, Laugh, Love” nonsense. Luckily, I found a great one.
Assessed
Thirdly, I would try to scratch the itch I’d always had around my underlying behaviours. I would get assessed for ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder ), which was something I always thought might be at the heart of my inability to progress in life.
The ASD assessment scored me a six with a threshold of eight required for diagnosis. So, I was negative for Autism, but the Psychiatrist informed me that the behaviours that had warranted a score of six were all things in common with people with diagnoses of ADHD, so he referred me for a further assessment. Voila!
After 2 more assessments for ADHD, I was diagnosed with the Inattentive-subtype in January 2022 and the change in my life has been profound. Besides bringing massive awareness to myself about my behaviours and how my brain works, I started to understand why I failed or gave up in so many projects.
It’s called “Hyperfocus” and means the brain can’t regulate itself when it finds something interesting to do. The only analogy I could use to explain it....it’s like having a fondness for chocolate. And then you eat 30 bars of chocolate in an hour. And you can’t look at chocolate again. Hyperfocus is the same.
And knowing that I am prone to that, all the shame went away from years of thinking I was just a waster and a useless prick. That’s the big thing that has changed for me in the last two years. My shame is gone. A lot of other things in my life make sense once you know that your brain works a certain way.
My procrastination, poor time-management, my filthy room, overdue bills and bizarre CV!
Once you are aware of how your brain works, these things change.
I spent 25 years constantly missing buses and appointments. And yet, when a psychiatrist tells you that you miss buses and appointments because your brain is wired differently, a funny thing happens. You start missing fewer and fewer buses and appointments.
Because you know you’re naturally prone to it! That’s what self-awareness in ADHD can do for you.
2020 and 2021 were two of the worst years of my life. 2022 was undoubtedly one of the best. So many great things have happened and I have a totally different outlook on the future.
With everything else that I have planned in 2023 I now see it as part of my calling to make sure that others don’t have to wait until the age of 44 to be diagnosed and get help with ADHD.
It’s the most treatable of all mental health disorders once you’re diagnosed. So, as well as doing my comedy show on ADHD, I want to become an educator on the subject.
I think it’s what I’m meant to give back. And I’m still a skeptic about the afterlife and all of that, but I do go back to Dad’s grave regularly to thank him. Y’know, just in case.
Anyway, thanks for reading and all the best to you all for 2023.
@bobhennigancomedy
/bobhennigancomedy
