If you have emerged from another showdown with your teenage son or daughter feeling like the loser with communication lines broken down yet again, maybe it is time to rethink your strategy.
Your best attempts at communication may come across as preaching or nagging and may largely go unheeded. Worse still, they may provoke the completely opposite response to which you intended.
It is important to remember that communication hinges on having your message heard, explains Eileen Kelly, a psychologist and the co-ordinator of parenting programmes at the Galway Diocesan Pastoral Centre in Newtownsmith.
“Communication is about allowing the other person to explain their side of the story, encouraging them to express their feelings and helping them to name these feelings. We know that a feeling talked out is less likely to be acted upon. However, many parents seem to spend most of their time and energies talking/preaching at their youngsters most of which goes unheard! Obviously communication is also about having our message heard. We discover though that once the other person has been given a fair hearing they are more open to hearing us out. The skills used in problem solving (brainstorming, choosing an acceptable solution, plans for implementing the solution and a review ) can be helpful in getting agreement on many issues in the family.”
Offering support
However, talking out problems does not happen in a vacuum, she says. “The importance of building a rapport with our teens cannot be overstated. As with any relationship the success of that relationship will be determined by the amount and quality of time spent together, by displaying an interest in their interests and offering support and encouragement in times of need.”
She says research indicates that children and teenagers, given the choice, would opt for parents who are emotionally present to them rather than a busy and efficient household where no-one has time to listen.
“Sometimes, taking shortcuts with the housework and lessening material expectations in favour of spending time together can be a valuable trade-off for all the family. In addition, enlisting the help of children of all ages to distribute the burden of household chores more evenly can yield valuable results.”
Taking time to show them how to do chores and then working alongside them in the home can be a valuable opportunity for communication, she believes.
“This experience, when carried out in a positive way, can be very affirming for children or teenagers. Implicit in the effort is the message that the parent trusts them to do the job. The young person then has the opportunity to learn responsibility and gain a sense of mastery.
“Taking time to reflect on how we communicate (listening as well as talking ), how we negotiate and set limits (fairness and consistency ), and how we encourage our children (so that they will achieve their potential ) can make us more aware of the power of our input in the life of our family.”
The three central elements to successful parenting - communication, discipline and encouragement - when practised and used effectively have the ability to transform a family, she says.
“Indeed these same skills are effective for all our relationships. And communication is central to all three.”
Setting Limits
Boundaries are important because they offer a sense of security to the child/adolescent - a feeling that someone cares, she says.
“Boundaries are set by offering limited choices. For example, saying to the child, ‘Do you want toast or cereal?’ is a more effective approach than ‘What do you want to eat?’ which leaves too many options, or ‘Eat that!’ which will often meet with resistance.
“In the same way when a teenager wants to go to a party, for example, offering them the choice of going but getting agreement that you will drop off and pick up or making contact with the parent who is hosting the party is a safer option and one which is more likely to be acceptable to both sides.”
However, sometimes parents have to say “no,” she says. When this happens it is important to explain the reasoning behind your decision firmly and calmly.
“This might not be very popular but it is not our job to be popular. In addition, the child /teenager needs to learn that sometimes we do not get what we want and more importantly, we survive. Also, that sense of predictability and consistency is important to a child. Life is safer and simpler when parents demonstrate the confidence to stand over their decisions.
“When children or adolescents overstep the boundaries, as they inevitably will, using consequences [as opposed to punishment] and allowing them learn from the results of their actions is important. Staying firm, calm and fair while disciplining is challenging but essential.”
Eileen Kelly describes encouragement as the most powerful parenting tool. “If parents knew just how effective encouragement is we would never stop using it. Encouragement, as different to praise, is about making personal and sincere statements, eg, ‘Thanks for doing that, rather than ‘You’re wonderful for doing that’ a simple, personal statement rather than a judgment. An encouraging parent looks for effort rather than success and is happy with small improvements, eg, “You worked hard at that,’ rather than ‘You didn’t win.’ Trying to see the good in another (especially when we’re having a bad day ) and setting up positive expectations have the power to change the atmosphere in a family.”
Positive attention
When parents offer positive attention, ie, by noticing a desired behaviour, they increase the likelihood of seeing it again. The converse of this is true too, for example, when we draw attention to misbehaviours we are, albeit unwittingly, increasing the probability of the negative behaviour happening again.
“So when we have to correct misbehaviour it is best done in the context of acknowledging something positive as well. Contrary to popular belief acknowledging something positive when correcting misbehaviours does not undermine the correction. Rather it leaves the child with a sense that at least you are being fair. And we know that young people have a very well developed sense of fairness.”
Homes where children are given a fair hearing; (the core of effective communication ), are encouraged to participate in the work and life of the family; (encouragement ) and basic rules of right and wrong are fairly and consistently enforced produce confident and caring adults.
“In theoretical terms this is called Parental Demandingness and Parental Responsiveness…in other words that children need to have their basic needs met appropriately and at the same time learn that life is a two-way process. That is, we have a duty to make demands on our children by giving them age appropriate responsibilities as well as meeting their needs.
“Studies show us that children raised in such a home grow up with a good sense of self, ie, high self-esteem. Parents who manage to achieve this balance are termed ‘authoritative’ parents. They are not overly controlling (authoritarian ) nor are they totally passive (permissive ). In other words they are aware of their ultimate responsibility as parents and at the same time able to delegate and negotiate as circumstances demand. Authoritative parenting has been shown to produce children who are self-confident, self-reliant and avoidant of delinquent activity.”
Parenting courses
Parenting classes run by the Galway Diocesan Pastoral Centre will take place in late January. Booking is advisable because class sizes are limited.
The centre is also offering a four week bereavement course in February. It will explore grief and loss and how people respond to the death of a loved one. A week of guided prayer for those interested in exploring their spiritual life or deepening their faith is also planned for the same month.
For further information log onto www.pastoralcentre.ie or telephone (091 ) 565066
