Hi ho, hi ho, itzoff ze vork ve go...and so rings out the tune floating across Eyre Square and in through my window this week as the German Christmas market takes shape. Vot vit all ze merry German vorkers vit zer hammers and zer lederhosen schlapping their thighs and hammering, ze happy leetle hammer men. Humming Eine Kleine Nachtmusik as zey vork into ze small hours. Unloading zer cuckooo clox vit ze leetle burd saying cuckoo cuckoo. Ze Irish are living in ze cloud cuckoo's land.
They got there on Monday afternon, but it pis..., ahem, it rained so hard they downed their tools and looked around for a while, but you could tell straight away these were no ordinary chalet-builders. They were professional agents on a reconnassance mission for Frau Merkel.
Let me reveal to you that in case you thought the German market was here for just four weeks, don’t be fooled. It's here to stay, as part of the grand plan for the Germans. This is the basecamp for Operation Germany Calling. By the time February comes and Angie Merkel realises that she owns Ireland, having provided all of the dosh for the Paddy Bailout, having a base here means she can just move in. Then the only Merk going to Farmleigh will be the bould cuddly Angie. You can picture her in her fishnets doing a Dietrich on it, singing Lili Marlene and leading the chorus on a rendition of “Springtime fur Merkel und Germany, vinter for Biffo und Brian.”
Eyre Square will be the basecamp for the invasion of the Germans. Next year this won’t be known as the German market. It will just be known as The Market. When you hear Biffo and Lenihan talking about “going to the market in January,” what they are referring to is the fact that they will be kicked out on their unqualified arses and will be running a stall there, selling “gluhwein und humble pie, ze humbelstrudel.”
So why did the Germans pick Galway to launch their basecamp? Well, they know that Galway is the place where great leaders have their last hurrah before their demise mortally and politically. Kennedy, de Gaulle and the Pope were all here shortly before they were shot and Biffo was here where he got well shot. They also know that it is the hometown of Lord Haw-Haw, so if there was going to be anywhere on this infernal rock that would be the launchpad of Germany Calling, it would be Galway. It will the start of a great new German era. Just as the demise of Archduke Franz Ferdinand was the launchpad for the first great German putsch of the last century, Biffo’s binge in the Ardilaun will be the “getting” shot that rang around the world. And now, we’re told that Ireland will run out of money in just 60 days.
Once every generation, the Germans realise that they’re paying the bill for some unfortunate country and decide to move in. So what will it be like to be run by the Germans? Our sports teams would be viable and have a following, not the perpetual struggle and pitiable attendances that pass for crowd support for sport in this city.German rules prevent clubs from running up debt by spending beyond their means. Our strategy-forming politicians would not be teachers and co-op managers or wear caps indoors or have nicknames like Biffo and Cope. We wouldn’t be celebrating opening roads like we do here in Ireland, our new national stadiums wouldn’t leak. We wouldn’t be encouraging the ruination of the generations by promoting the drinks culture, our schools would not have rats in the classrooms.
So for the next few weeks, don’t let on to the Germans in the market that they’ve been rumbled. Let’s go along with their grand plan and then pretend to be surprised when they take us over. Do not put up any resistance, we need them more than they need us. If we allow the country to become a province of Germany, in a generation ‘ve’ll be riding on ze back of the schwein again. So what if we have to learn Deutschland Uber Alles. Anything is better than that imbecilic Ireland’s Call. Also with the Jerries in charge, we’ll have a better quality of tank to rumble past the GPO in 2016.
So you have been vorned. Get to the market from next week, learn your key phrases, pretend that nothing is happening and buy their crafts.
Ven ze Gemans take over, ve vill need all ze cuckoo clocks in order to get up in the morgen for work at five o’clock.
