Dear Eamon,
First of all comhghairdeachas on your appointment. Can I say how glad I am that you’ve been moved from that Godforsaken department where every time I wrote to you for a few bob, I had to let on be a gaeilgoir, gathering up phlegm in the throat and rattling off a rake of focails just to give the impression that I was worthy of the many grants you threw me way. Even when they answered the phone, they hit me with some questions in the gaelgish when all I had was “Ta me go maith. Now, an bhfuil Eamon there?” But no, that was never enough for them, They always kept going, asking me if I thought you’d know what I’d be calling about. When we all know that the only type of calls you ever got were for the grants. I used to say “Deaglan anseo from (fill in the blank ) Teo. Once they heard the word Teo, they knew I was ringing about the cash and put me straight through.
Now at least when I have to ring ya in the new Department of Social Protection (which I must admit at first to thinking was a department for bouncers ), there should be no bother getting through in the Queen’s English, and you a great fan of the Commonwealth and all.
I’ll miss being able to get the handy few bob. Can I say that you were always very obliging in getting me the auld grant for the mad schemes I had. This comes to an end now, I suppose? I must apologise too for any embarrassment I may have caused you when I was less than forthcoming about the true nature of my plan to run a brothel as gaeilge in east Mayo. In hindsight, the “Kiltimagh For The Cuir Isteach Teo” plan was not one of my best ideas, but sure we had some craic anyway in explaining it to the guards. So too with my plans for dog training as gaeilge Bháirc-Bháirc Teo. That too came to a sticky end when Hannibal the lead Doberman took a liking to the ‘cigire’s” face. Give him my regards and let him know that there are tremendous advances in plastic surgery these days, so not to despair. As for Hannibal, he got the auld ‘bháing, bháing” treatment afterwards. The grant covered the cost of Johnny’s Kelly’s shotgun and a few pints for the gravediggers.
The grant for the driveway to my house was also appreciated. I know your insistence that it be “Connemara” marble made it a bit slippery in the frosty weather and I nearly broke “mo thóin” in January, so I’m on the disability now, so it’s fierce handy that you’ve become the Minister for MickeyMunny. I know the naysayers in Dublin 4 are saying that they’ll see how good ya are now when you’re speaking the bearla and that you won’t be able to waffle away about sub-schemes and clauses, but I think you’ll rise to the challenge.
Jaysis, that’s one hell of a budget you’ve been given. And now that you’ll be handing out the dole, it could be said you’re the biggest (un )employer in the State. Cornamona’s answer to Liam na Geataí ás an Microsoft.
Now the reason I’m writing to you so soon is that I was wondering if there was any chance ya might get the widow’s pension for the aunt. Now, she never married, but she often thought about it and it’s the thought that counts. And sure, if she had married, he’d be dead by now, so she’s a widow in spirit. She sits behind the goals at the GAA games just for the thrill of seeing young men running straight at her. I’ll send her details anyway.
Now, a mhac, Connemara will not be the same without ya, but maybe ya got out at the best time as the roads there will never be done now. Daingean will go back to Dingle, TG4 will have to sell a few ads and we’ll have to do a bit of real work. Slán.
