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Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the opening of the first new town in Ireland since Shannon and Craigavon. Yes, its time to throw open the gates of Baile an Táicsigh (Toxic Town), the town where we promise to bring you the best of the worst, where you are guaranteed to get the worst service, where the roads will be the worst, the pint will be terrible, where the spittoons will never be emptied and where in order to make the rest of the country look great, we are going to feck everything bad. In demographic terms, it will be like the child in the back room of the olden days. The motto for this town will be ‘Hors de la vue, hors de l'esprit‘ (out of sight, out of mind) and by doing this, everywhere else in the country can feel good about itself.