All talk of doom, gloom and recession is officially suspended for a few days. As the great Ozzy Osbourne once said “Christmas is a time for remembering. So that’s me f***ed.”
The Carol singers are singing “This is the season to be jolly” and, to be honest, there’s too much last minute shopping (what happened the wonderful train set in Sherwoods? ) and turkey stuffing to be done, to concentrate on writing a ‘proper’ column this week.
I’ve been searching around for some good news to brighten up the season and, for a start, here’s a few facts that may help you enjoy your pint or glass of wine a little better over the holiday.
“THE GUINNESS SERVED IN IRELAND IS DIFFERENT TO THAT IN THE REST OF THE WORLD.”
Not so, it’s the same as that brewed and served anywhere else in the world. The difference is the care and attention it’s given in your local pub. We Irish have a reputation for not complaining about poor service in shops or restaurants, but serve up a bad pint and it will be sent back faster than a press release from Sean O Hargain.
“LIGHT BEERS WILL HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT.”
Technically this is true, but sorry ladies, you’d have to drink an awful lot of the stuff for it to make any difference. A light beer will have 90-100 calories, while a regular beer might have under 200. So if you manage to get through even a case of it on a night out you’ve only saved about 2,000 calories and you’re not going to do that too often, now are you?
“CORONA BEER CONTAINS URINE.”
Definitely not, although I’ve sampled a few brands over the years that tasted as if they did. This was a nasty rumour claiming that Mexican brewery workers were relieving themselves into the beer. Allegedly, the rumour was spread by a rival distributor and was only refuted following a lawsuit by Corona.
“YOU CAN‘T GET A HANGOVER FROM DRINKING ORGANIC BEER.”
Oh yes you can and you can include organic wine also as I can personally testify. It’s all about quantity not quality, organic or otherwise.
“BEER WILL RAISE YOUR CHOLESTROL LEVELS.”
Not true, beer actually contains no fat and no cholesterol!
“BEER KILLS BRAIN CELLS.”
I’m delighted to bring more good news to brighten up your Christmas. An Australian study has determined that beer is not responsible for killing brain cells as was once thought.
CHRISTMAS BARGAIN SHOPPING.
There’s never been a better time to pick up a bargain present than this year, with sales taking place in shops all over town.
There was the case of the man out shopping for his wife’s Christmas gift. He whispers to the sales assistant that he doesn’t want to spend too much money. He’s shown a beautiful gold necklace, on sale for only €100.00. The man shakes his head no. He’s shown various perfumes at €60.00 per bottle. Once again, the man shakes his head and says, “Listen, I’d like to look at something cheap.” The assistant reaches under the counter and quickly and holds up a mirror.
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A CHRISTMAS TALE.
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the apprentice elves weren’t producing the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs Claus told him that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
He headed out to harness the reindeer and found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and had disappeared. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of tea and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had emptied the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the tea pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cursed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you,
Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree.
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Happy Christmas to everyone. To add “and a prosperous New Year” might seem a bit optimistic, but, as the song goes, “things can only get better.”
