Opening scene of the Oireachtas Report Christmas Special, Minister McGuinness™ is at the front of a snow-covered Leinster House, surrounded by carol singers, ISME, IBEC, and the Public Sector Unions. He sings:
‘And so this is Christmas
And what have I done,
I created just one job,
I gave it to my son,
And so merry Christmas
Let’s forget the new year,
The country’s in meltdown,
In collective arrears’.
Yep, you guessed it people, it’s the Grassroots Christmas edition and it’s official, the war is over! Peace has broken out throughout the land of local politics. Weapons have been laid down at the feet of the Angel Gabriel (No, not that one ). Our politicians are showing leadership in this time of crisis, a show of unity not seen since Lisbon 1.
Barack O’ Hargain and Bottler have put aside their rivalry in the spirit of Connolly and Larkin and in an attempt to regain the Labour seat in the city. In recent days, both men have been blogging their new found appreciation of each other and wishing each other well in the forthcoming Presidential Campaign (i.e. the Local Borough Council Election, or the New Hampshire Primaries ).
Cllr Greedy and Mayor Grotty admit that the Central Access Scheme was just a big hoax and they tell the Green Being (Cllr Krusty Kompost ) that he got all worked up over nothing. They all have a big laugh. All three men then bring forward ambitious proposals to pedestrianise the ring road and the N9 to Waterford. All cars (except for BMW ) are banned from the county and a congestion charge is introduced on the Butterslip. The Heritage Council is pardoned by the Mayor for having the gall to ask silly questions and a civic reception is held by the Mayor in honour of An Taisce.
In the Fine Gael camp, the selection of wonderful, inspiring, candidates continues unabated. With the wind at their backs and a collective will to put shoulders to the wheel in the National Interest, they are spoiled with people such as Daithi Fitzgoggin, who has been a community activist and anti-globalisation protester since he was three and was last seen burning effigies of Batt Man outside the Dept of Education. Selection conventions for Fine Gael have become a model of selflessness and goodwill. Spat O Neill is put back on the ticket in Thomastown and is now hotly tipped to succeed Wanda Kenny as leader of the Party in 2034.
Cllr Croonin buries the hatchet (we won’t specify where ) with the Minister and his henchmen (the four horsemen of the apocalypse ). This is due largely to the fall off in popularity of their party, Fianna Fail. Both Cllr Croonin and the Minister recognise the need now more than ever for party unity. Many people in Ireland wrongly attribute the collapse in the economy and the mess of our education system and health service on the wreckless policies of Fianna Fail. This is a wrong assumption, it was the PDs and also those flaky Greens’ fault (has anyone seen Mary? ). The public decides to punish the Government anyway by spending all their money in another country, Newry.
Christmas love also breaks out in both Chambers of the Council, where a 0 per cent rates increase by our authorities sparks widespread dancing in the streets from members of the Chamber of Commerce, High St Traders, John St Traders, Parliament St (Lwr ) Traders, the Kieran St Retail Group, Irishtown Retailers Association and the Butterslip Retail Strategy Group. What emerges later is that the county councillors sacrificed their trip to New York for St Patrick’s Day next year to cover the rates freeze. No right-thinking candidate would get on a plane between this and next June anyway. ‘We’ll go in July’ whispered Mattie Doran after the meeting.
Isn’t it wonderful in these difficult times to witness the love, to see the spontaneous and random acts of kindness among our political elite? Sue Nunn acknowledges that she was wrong to be so cynical about local politics and vows to only say nice things about politicians in the New Year….well until January 2nd anyway. It’s just lovely.
So Merry Christmas to all of you from all of us at Grassroots. To all you political people out there, (who are the only ones who read this nonsense ) thank you for being such good sports. For those of you facing into local elections next year, we wish you well. We are losing some good ones, Catharine Phelan, Michael Lannigan, Pat Crotty, Dick Dowling. Whatever cynicism there is out there about politics now, remember these people have served us well, they all have. War is over, if you want it, war is over, now. Enjoy the peace, it won’t last. Happy Christmas everyone!.
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