Who would have believed it? The ‘Sold Out’ signs went up outside every venue for the Kilkenomics Festival last weekend.
We’re used to seeing musicians carrying guitar cases around town during the various festivals throughout the year, but this time it was briefcases and laptops that were slung over the shoulder.
Yes, economics is the new rock’n’roll, or at least it was for one weekend. First stop was a show called Jargon Busting, which had economists David MacWilliams and Brian Lucey (dressed in jeans/tee shirts ) joined by comedians Karl Spain and Colm O’Regan (dressed in what were probably their only suits ). The session, chaired by Colin Murphy, attempted to explain terms we have all become familiar with, such as ratings agencies, bond holder, mark to market, hedge funds, globalisation, quantitative easing, and more. I’m not sure how much the wiser we were at the end, but some laughs were had along the way.
After a quick pint it was back in for Round Two. Colin Murphy was, again, in the chair and was joined by American lawyer Bill Black and Icelander Vilhjalmur Bjarnason. The topic this time was The Best Way To Rob A Bank Is To Own One. Mr Black is famous for putting more than 1,000 white collar workers behind bars in the USA. Fraud is his big subject and he explained how American banks have used their power as a “weapon” to commit fraud on a grand scale and that the ”weapon of choice for fraudsters is accounting.” He even gave a recipe for “How to bake a bank.”
1. Grow like crazy.
2. Make really bad loans.
3. Leverage out the kazoo.
4. Have virtually no loss reserves.
I’m not quite sure what No 3 means, but I think it is passing on the debts to someone else. You can take it that his opinion of banks, stock brokers, and financial advisers of any sort was pretty low, so it might be safer to keep that rainy day money under the mattress.
Fair dues to the Icelanders. We have been dragging out the misery for over two years, but they, according to Mr Bjarnason, went from boom to bust in just three days and they ain’t paying it back either.
The final point from the Woody Allen lookalike, Bill Black, was about American politicians. “Our politicians are honest, they stay bought.”
There were another dozen or so shows on Saturday with reports of most of them being sold out. I made it to Bust: The Human Cost. This was an interview between Pauline McLynn and Dearbhail McDonald, the legal editor with the Irish Independent. She has spent a lot of time in the courts following proceedings against the likes of rogue solicitor Michael Lynn. She told us he absconded with €80m in mortgage fraud and is living the good life in The Algarve. She compared this to the way the courts treat people charged with defaulting on small debts. Most of the examples she gave were in relation to people jailed for not paying credit union loans, which was a surprise.
Did we get any answers to our problems? Probably not, as there seemed to be as many different opinions as there were economists in town and they all seemed to be sure that they had the right answer.
Here is an economist story that I heard at the weekend, but not from the stage:
A priest, a psychologist, and an economist meet for a game of golf.
They are playing behind two very slow players, who, despite using a caddy, are taking all day to line up their shots and four-putting every green, and so on. By the eighth hole, the three men are complaining loudly about the slow play ahead. The priest says, "Dear Lord, I pray that they should take some lessons before they play again." The psychologist says, "I hate playing behind people that take so long to play their shot.” The economist says, "I really didn't expect to spend this much time playing a round of golf."
By the ninth hole, they have had it with slow play, so the psychologist goes to the caddy and demands that they be allowed to play through. The caddy says OK, but then explains that the two golfers are blind, that both are retired firemen who lost their eyesight saving people in a fire, and that explains their slow play, and would they please not swear and complain so loud.
The priest is mortified. He says, "Here I am a man of the cloth and I've been swearing at the slow play of two blind men." The psychologist is also highly embarrassed. He says, "Here I am a man trained to help others with their problems and I've been complaining about the slow play of two blind men."
The economist ponders the situation and finally he goes back to the caddy and says, "Listen, the next time could they play at night."
Sounds like he might work for the IMF, we have been warned.
