“Ah Bertie, great to see you again. What’ll you have, a pint of Bass, I suppose?”
“No Tom, I think I’ll have a hot whiskey, I’m dyin’ with a cold, I think I caught it while sittin’ in that cupboard.”
“There’s a lot of it goin’ around, Bertie, half the office is out on sick leave. Anyway, enough of the bad news, I’ve nothing but good news to report. The ad campaign has been more successful than anyone could have dreamed. All the usual nutters are ringing in to Joe Duffy, you couldn’t pay for the amount of publicity it’s generated. Your star is on the rise again, Bertie. Don’t give up on that job in the Phoenix Park just yet! That was a good column again this week, everyone is reading it now.”
“Yes, well would you tell whatever gobshite who’s writing it for me to get his facts right. I was stopped by a fella from Kilkenny who said I got something wrong last Sunday. He said something about O’Loughlins and The Shamrocks being in the county semi final and not the final as printed. I hadn’t a clue what he was talking about. The only Shamrocks I know about are the ones that play soccer out in Tallaght..”
“There you are, they’re even reading it down the country now. It might be a good idea for you to read it every week, just so you know what it is you are supposed to have said. Anyway, back to the good news. I suppose you’ve been following the Chilean miners story?”
“Oh yeah and I couldn’t help thinking there’s at least 33 people I’d like to see buried under a mountain somewhere.”
“I know what you mean, but that brings me on to the good news. How do you fancy a role in a film they’re making on the Chile miners?”
“What do ya mean?”
“I’ve been approached about getting a couple of Irish personalities on board for the project. There’s 33 roles to fill, obviously, but I think you’d be the man for one of them. It’s all for charity, but there will be the usual fee for yourself, of course. I’m thinking of putting you up for the part of Yonni Barrios. He’s near enough to your age and, it turns out, had a wife and mistress. The mistress was the one who showed up at the mine, so there’s the makings of a good story.”
“Sounds good. Who’s lined up to play the part?”
“Of the wife?”
“No, no. The mistress, I’m thinkin’ of Penelope Cruz, Jennifer Lopez or Cameron Diaz for the part. I wouldn’t mind any of them rescuin’ me and fallin’ into their arms.”
“No, that’s not the way the script is set up. It’s all about the men trapped underground and how they deal with the situation.”
“Well, can you not have some flashbacks with Cameron or Penelope and meself walkin’ hand in hand along some deserted beach, me in me speedos and the girl in a bikini? That’s what you need to sell the film. Let’s face it, 33 lads being dragged up from a mine isn’t going to be much of a film. Once you’ve seen one coming out of the hole you’ve seen them all, as far as I’m concerned.”
You’re right. We’ll have to liven it up a bit and that’s where the part you’ll be playing is important.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well we’ll make you a sort of hero. You’ll help all the others to get out and then just as you’re being hauled up the tunnel collapses and you’re buried down there forever. We’ve shown the script to some people and they all love the idea, especially Irish people.”
“But I wouldn’t really be buried?”
“Ah no. We need you up here Bertie for a few more projects and sure who’d write your News Of The World column if you’re gone?”
“Grand, I’ll do it. I could do with a few grand to top up the pension scheme since all those speaking engagements dried up. Just sort out who’s to play the mistress. If you can’t decide maybe I could have two. The women love that sort of thing. You’d never know, I could be auditioning for James Bond next.”
