Listeners were shocked and appalled when a Labour delegate was interviewed sounding tired and hoarse on Morning Ireland last week.
“It’s all Cowen’s fault,” said a Labour Party spokesperson, “he ruined it for everyone. First he’s spotted having a sneaky fag in Croke Park by a fella who can’t wait to ring up Joe Duffy and tell him about it. Next it’s the fiasco down in Galway. We used to be able to go off to these ‘think tanks’ around the country and have a good auld piss up and singsong for a couple of days, but now every gobshite journalist is watching us and Twittering or YouTubing our every move. From now on I’m going to be like John McGuinness and say no thanks to think tanks.”
“You may have seen Rabbitte and Gilmore on the front of all the newspapers with their cups of coffee shoved in your face,” he continued. “That’s all we got to drink for the two days: tea and shaggin’ coffee. Cowen had his wine and a gallon of Carlsberg and all we had was at least eight cups of tea or coffee with our dinner and singsong. You try and listen to Gilmore singing ‘The Red Flag’ or ‘Joe Hill’ with an overdose of caffeine bouncin’ around in your head and you’d know what it’s like to suffer. I slipped away during Pat Rabbitte and Joan Burton’s rendition of ‘Things can only get better’ and that’s when the trouble started. Have you ever tried to sleep after drinking that much coffee? I didn’t get a wink all night, so no wonder I’m sounding tired.”
There were similar grumblings from the Green Party, following their get-together in Leighlinbridge. The strongest tipple here was organic apple juice. “At first I wasn’t too bothered,” said a Green Party delegate. “As far as I was concerned anything would be better than having to drink Mary White’s homemade dandelion wine. Nobody told me the consequences of drinking five or six pints of that apple juice. I was sitting on the toilet all night and didn’t get a wink of sleep. It’s that and singing along to Bob Dylan/Johnny Cash songs from Councillor Noonan that’s left me with this husky voice this morning and I strongly object to any insinuation that there was alcohol involved.”
Carlsberg, coffee and apple juice has caused havoc with our politicians’ voices. “The craic has gone out of the politics business,” said a Fianna Fail backbencher. “Galway used to be a great place just a few years ago. First they got rid of the tent at the races and now a few pints and a sing song is not allowed either and I haven’t seen a brown envelope in over three years.
“We’d all just come back from our three month summer holidays and we were looking forward to meeting up and having a look at each other’s holiday photos. We’ve eight or 10 weeks’ work ahead of us before the next break, so surely we are entitled to one last good night out before facing back into Leinster House? Once we’re in there we only have the Wednesday night session to look forward to. That’s under scrutiny now as well, due to that clown Sheehan from Fine Gael. He tries to get into his car while fluthered and then threatens a guard who tries to get him to take a taxi. At least it was a Fine Gaeler this time. That might shut them up for a while.”
The political ‘think-in’ season was brought to a close by Sinn Fein, who made the short journey to the Gresham Hotel in Dublin. The list of topics for discussion included the party's approach to the upcoming Budget, tackling the jobs crisis and dealing with the banks.
“If there’s any party that can deal with the banks, it’s us,” a spokeswoman said. “Just ask the crowd in the Northern Bank, where we scooped up £26.5 million. Our priority is to get the banking system up and running again as soon as possible. I’ve been stressing to all our delegates that the £26.5 million won’t last forever and there’s not much point in robbing banks if there’s no money in them!
