Surprise, surprise, we didn’t win Eurovision again. The only one who seemed to think we had a chance was Marty Whelan, who kept blabbering on about how unfair the whole thing was to our little country, battling against the odds out on the edge of Europe. Let’s face it, Enda McEvoy has a better chance of getting a free weekend pass from the Cats Laugh Festival organisers than Niamh Kavanagh had of winning the competition.
Why? First of all the song was dull and boring and could have come from any Eurovision over the last forty years. Then there’s the age issue. Niamh Kavanagh could have been mammy to almost all the other contestants and, as I imagine, most of the voters were youngsters busy texting in their votes on mobile phones from all over Europe, she was hardly going to make a big impression with them.
OK, you can argue that it’s about the song and the singer and not the image, but the rest of Europe aren’t buying that. At this rate we’ll be rolling out Dickie Rock, Twink or Sonny Knowles for next year and won’t have a hope of winning. Maybe that’s the cunning plan.
On the positive side, we didn’t come last. A big thanks to United Kingdom (7 ), Israel (6 ), Switzerland (6 ), Germany (2 ), Estonia (2 ), Finland (1 ) and Croatia (1 ) for giving us a few votes and pushing us into a magnificent 23rd place. We were only 221 votes behind the winner, so it’s all to play for next year. I reckon that purple curtain that Niamh Kavanagh was wearing cost us a few votes and with a proper dress we could easily have made the top twenty.
With the current situation in the Middle East I was glad to see we didn’t give any votes to Israel. Hit them where it hurts, I say. They can put up with Hamas, but they hate being ignored in the Eurovision Song contest. I think we should give back the six points we got from the Israelis. OK, it means we would drop to second last, but we would still be ahead of the UK, which seemed to be the most important issue where I was watching the show. Our biggest votes went to Denmark, Belgium, Germany, Romania and France and the Germans were the only ones to gives us a vote in return, so we’ll get our own back next year.
I don’t know a lot about Norway and can’t remember ever meeting a Norwegian. They seem to have enough oil and gas to keep them wealthy for centuries to come. I’ve had various reports from shell shocked drinkers over the years, with tales of a pint of beer costing anything up to €10 or more. I presume that’s why it has never become a big holiday destination with the Irish.
I’ve no recollection of their winning song from last year, but that seems to be the case every year. My research on the Norwegian music scene reveals that bands with names like Mayhem, Darkthrone, Enslaved, Gorgoroth and Carpathian Forest have popularised a form of music called Black Metal in the country. Some of these artists have been held responsible for a rash of criminal controversy, including church burnings and murder. Not exactly what is required for a winning Eurovision performance.
The presenters seemed to have a sense of humour and not take the whole competition too seriously. I don’t know of any Norwegian comedians, but it might be worth getting some of them over for next year’s Cat Laughs festival. I’m sure Dom Irrera would appreciate the break.
What’s another year?
Well we can’t put up with the Eurovision shame and embarrassment any longer and drastic action is called for. I see a group has started up on Facebook called “Send The Kilkennys to Eurovision2011”. The group states that “After 2010's dismal result it’s time to take drastic action! Let’s send a band that we all know will not be beaten! They will do Ireland proud and bring the Eurovision 2011 title to the Emerald Isle!”
They could be onto something there. We’ve tried the big ballads and even a turkey, it’s time for a complete change of musical direction. The boys are young and reasonably good looking. Just stick a troupe of high kickin’ Irish dancers behind them and we’re half way there and surely someone (as long as it’s not John Waters ) can come up with a decent, lively song.
