There’s only one story in town this week folks. Yeah, you guessed it, the fallout from the Minister McGuinness™ saga.
Well there are many many more stories, the latest ESRI doom report, suicide bombers in Baghdad, the looming humanitarian disaster in Congo, crackpot president elected in South Africa… we could go on. In the world and in the bathroom mirror of the artist formerly known as Minister McGuinness™, however there’s only one story, me, me, me, it’s all about me! Anyway here’s the unedited transcript of last Friday’s Late Late Show.
Former Minister McGuinness™: ‘Well ye see Pat, I can call you Pat? She didn’t like me, the ungrateful so and so. She couldn’t stand the fact that I was getting in more photos than her, and Cowen, sure that fella hasn’t a clue how to govern. He couldn’t run a bath, never mind a country. Who would I support? That PD reject himself, Dermo Ahernia. Why? Well he understands free market capitalism and the suppression of freedom of expression and he told me he’d make me a full minister with a bigger car and a driver that I didn’t have to pay for? Of course Pat!’
(Rapturous and sustained applause from the audience )
Pat: ‘Outspoken, former minister John McGuinness™ are you not worried that this will send out a negative impression to our European neighbours when they hear that a senior party figure like yourself openly criticising the Taoiseach and Tánaiste of this country?’
Former minister McGuinness™: ‘I couldn’t give a rat’s ass Pat, Tommy Tiernan taught me one important lesson. If you want to further your career, go on the Late Late Show with Pat and say a few controversial things. I bet I’ll be on the front pages of all the papers tomorrow.’
Pat: ‘That you will John, that you will. John McGuinness thank you for being with us tonight. Now, to our great holiday give-away, yes a fabulous all expenses paid trip for two to Mexico courtesy of Swine air, and ten thousand pesos spending money!’
Audience: ‘oooooh!.’
Former minister McGuinness™: ‘Hang on Pat, I haven’t finished my rant yet. You see my councillors are getting it in the neck back in Kilkenny and I have to say something to distance myself from all the things I voted on over the last 10 years.’
Pat: Your time is up minister, I mean former minister, I mean former junior minister, and now for my next guests, Westlife!’
Audience: ‘Deadly!’
Former minister McGuinness™: ‘Hang on you little upstart, who’s paying your salary? I told you what I’d do with the public sector, I’ll have you replaced with Derek Mooney.’
Pat: ‘You can’t, I’m quitting in a few weeks.’
Former minister McGuinness™: ‘Where is your compassion man? Can’t you see I’m hurtin? My boy has lost his job too. This Government is incompetent, incomprehensible, incoherent, incorrigible, intransigent.’
Pat: ‘Cut to an ad break lads.’
Former minister McGuinness grabs the mic and takes command of camera one, he stares coldly into the camera and speaks:
‘Now listen here you idiots, I was forced to vote on that Budget, and the last one, I was never in cahoots with developers and bankers like the rest of my party, IBEC put me up to it, I actually love the public sector, please, you have to believe me!’
Pat: ‘Cut! Cut! Get him out of here!’
The former minister is dragged off camera and the cameras pan over to Nicky from Westlife.
(Rapturous and sustained applause from the audience )
There you have it folks, that’s how it really happened. Now here we are without a minister, lost in the wilderness. Should he not just have accepted his fate? There’s no room for sentiment in Brian Cowen’s world, and it would seem, no reward for hard work. John will bounce back, but what about Kilkenny?
Abandon all hope, no chance of a minister, ever! Hang on! What’s this big figure in a blue shirt emerging from the mist of a fallen Dáil?
To be continued….
