I hadn’t much luck with my annual trip to the bookies for the Cheltenham Festival last week. If it hadn’t been for Pius Meagher and his tip for Punjabi it would have been a financial disaster that would have made Anglo Irish Bank fiasco look mild in comparison.
One story that caught my eye was the withdrawal of ’War Of Attrition’, owned by Michael O’Leary of Ryanair.
I was imagining his phone call, looking for a refund, when he found out his horse couldn’t travel:
“Hello, hello, is that Nagair! At last! I’ve been trying to get through for the last three days and nobody has been answering the phone.”
“What’s the problem, and can I remind you this call is costing you two Euros per minute.”
“I had a horse booked on a Nagair Flight yesterday that didn’t travel and I’d like to get a refund.”
“Sorry sir, all our flights departed yesterday, we have no record of any cancellations.”
“I don’t mean the flight. It was the horse, the feckin’ horse that didn’t travel, ye gobshite.”
“I’m afraid sir we don’t give refunds for flights that have already departed, you must request your refund at least twelve hours before departure, as per the very small print on page nine of our terms and conditions. The only exceptions are family bereavements. Was there a death in the family?”
“This is a horse we’re talking about, you bloody eejit.”
“OK. Did the horse’s parents or brother/sister pass away within the past seven days? Please note, we will require the original death certificate to process your claim”
“No! This is ridiculous. Put me on to your supervisor. I want the organ grinder, not the monkey.”
“There is a two day wait for interview with a supervisor and these calls are charged at four Euros per minute. You can book a priority call, which guarantees you a response within twelve hours for a once off fee of 25 Euros.”
“OK, let’s start again. I booked a flight for my horse. The horse wasn’t well and didn’t travel. In case you didn’t know, you work for an airline that specialises in transporting animals. Now do I, or do I not, get a refund?”
“No need for that tone sir, I’m only doing my job. You wouldn’t believe the amount of sob stories we have to listen to here.. Just hold on and I’ll check this out.”
Twenty minutes later….
“Still there? Good, I’ve gone through the booking with my supervisor and you will be forwarded a refund within 60 working days, minus deductions specified in our terms and conditions, which your horse agreed to.”
“What deductions?”
“Oh just bits and pieces like priority boarding, special dietary requirements (two bales of hay ), the manure disposal fee. It’s actually a long list that will be in our email.”
“What do you mean ’priority boarding’? He was the only horse booked on the flight.”
“Exactly, which means he was first on board.”
“This is bulls***t. How much is the refund?”
“Well the good news is that it’s not too bad. After we deduct everything it looks as if you only owe us €73.55. That will be automatically deducted from your credit card.”
“This is unbelievable, I’ve never been treated like this in my life. Do you have any idea who you’re talking to?”
“I’m presuming you’re the same Mr O’Leary that runs Ryanair.”
“That’s me. Now, how would you fancy a job with us, I like your style!”
A nice lookin’ dish
It’s survived all the food fashions, from Nouvelle Cuisine to Thai, from Quiche Lorraine to Black Forest Gateau. Yes, the good old mixed grill, when put together properly, can still hit the spot.
I was reminded of this when I saw a sign outside Bollards for a new take on the old favourite. Kieran Bollard is advertising on a handmade, presumably homemade, sign something he calls “Bollard’s HANDSOME Mixed Grill.”
This is a new one on me and had me looking at the ingredients in a new light. Is that an exotic egg, a ravishing rasher, a cute kidney, a pretty piece of pudding I see on the plate, all accompanied by some tantalising tea and beautiful bread and butter?
If anyone has tried the handsome mixed grill let me know. If you’re going to sample it tell Kieran you read about it here. You’d never know, he might throw in an extra one or two of those ravishing rashers.
That reminds me
I spotted another poster on Bollards window, beside the one for the handsome mixed grill. It’s for Scottish folk singer, James Yorkston. He’s appearing in the back room on Sat March 28. I’ve seen him perform before and he’s well worth a listen. Tickets, as they say, are strictly limited.
